Sunday, March 25, 2012

Don't Know Where to Start

The last few months have been terrible without my best friend.  I currently feel stuck in stasis both physically and mentally and the worst part is, I don't seem to care that much.  Everyone else does though and keeps pointing it all out to me.  I spend too much time inside of my own head these days and I cry at least once a day, but more often then that on most days.  I tried to "fake it until I made it" for awhile, but ended up just saying screwing it, I don't care if I am not as happy as I once was.  I shouldn't have to fake anything for anyone and really it was all just really exhausting to be something I was so far from feeling.  Now, I am just a drag and angry all the time.  I am trying not to be so angry outwardly, but it doesn't always work.  Oh, the anger I feel is bad.  I never thought I would be like this after losing someone.  I figured I would just bounce back fairly quickly instead of being this anger, crying, crazy woman I have turned into.  I say things that worry people all the time, but I am more cynical then anything else.  I guess I come off as suicidal on times but I am so far from even thinking about suicide, that I actually find it laughable that someone would think that I am.  Of course those that are the closest to me know not to worry about it and that I have always had some what of a dark sense of humor. 

I don't remember what my last weight was when I last posted it.  I know that I have lost some since then.  I now am at 210.  I seem to be losing like a couple of pounds a month.  I am not really sure how or wow though.  I haven't really cared what I have been shoving in my big ol' piehole.  I have days when I eat nothing but crap all day long.  I am so far off the wagon that it isn't even funny. 

I want to start getting serious again though, channel all of my anger and frustrations into losing weight.  I just don't know how to get started again and I don't have much drive either.  I want to, but I just don't feel like it just yet.  Have you ever been so sad that your body hurt?  That is where I am.  I know that if I just started again, I would feel better.  But how?  I feel so lost!!

2 comments:

  1. Yes. I have been so sad that my body hurt. I never understood what it feels like to have an actual heart ACHE until the last year. It's so hard losing someone that important to you. It's life changing. It rocks your world. Changes EVERYTHING. And I know how confusing it can be. I know how the anger can eat at you. The guilt and confusion and just plain feeling BAD. It gets better. Lessens. But it takes a long time. Thought about seeing a therapist or going to a grief support group? Moving forward and finding a way to be happy when you're in the midst of grief seems impossible, but you can and will. Your friend would want that. Maybe not today or even next week, but soon you'll start to move forward and heal. Never forgetting your wonderful friend. My heart hurts for you. One day at a time.

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  2. Thank you!! I know, but it is just hard I guess. I am thinking about seeing someone. I have never been the type for group therapy so I figure one on one with someone would work best for me. I just have to shuffle through this mess and find the motivation to do it.

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