Sunday, March 25, 2012

Don't Know Where to Start

The last few months have been terrible without my best friend.  I currently feel stuck in stasis both physically and mentally and the worst part is, I don't seem to care that much.  Everyone else does though and keeps pointing it all out to me.  I spend too much time inside of my own head these days and I cry at least once a day, but more often then that on most days.  I tried to "fake it until I made it" for awhile, but ended up just saying screwing it, I don't care if I am not as happy as I once was.  I shouldn't have to fake anything for anyone and really it was all just really exhausting to be something I was so far from feeling.  Now, I am just a drag and angry all the time.  I am trying not to be so angry outwardly, but it doesn't always work.  Oh, the anger I feel is bad.  I never thought I would be like this after losing someone.  I figured I would just bounce back fairly quickly instead of being this anger, crying, crazy woman I have turned into.  I say things that worry people all the time, but I am more cynical then anything else.  I guess I come off as suicidal on times but I am so far from even thinking about suicide, that I actually find it laughable that someone would think that I am.  Of course those that are the closest to me know not to worry about it and that I have always had some what of a dark sense of humor. 

I don't remember what my last weight was when I last posted it.  I know that I have lost some since then.  I now am at 210.  I seem to be losing like a couple of pounds a month.  I am not really sure how or wow though.  I haven't really cared what I have been shoving in my big ol' piehole.  I have days when I eat nothing but crap all day long.  I am so far off the wagon that it isn't even funny. 

I want to start getting serious again though, channel all of my anger and frustrations into losing weight.  I just don't know how to get started again and I don't have much drive either.  I want to, but I just don't feel like it just yet.  Have you ever been so sad that your body hurt?  That is where I am.  I know that if I just started again, I would feel better.  But how?  I feel so lost!!