Monday, November 28, 2011

Still Sad

I feel so lost and still hurt so bad.  Everyone is getting worried so I am faking like I feel better but I don't.  I keep having these axiety attacks.  I feel like I am being crushed.  I don't know what I am going to do without my best friend. Normally when I would feel like this, I would call her, but I can't now.  She is the only one that totally understood me.  I know that many people accept me for me but she understood me.  I don't have that now and feel so lost.  I have no one to understand me anymore.  I feel terrible in my own skin right now.  I am very, very sad and heartbroken.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I Miss You So Much

It has been 2 days and I miss you more then ever.  This is the longest I have gone without talking to you in a long time.  I still don't understand, probably never will.  Ed gave me your ceramic mask.  I know how much it meant to.  I will cherish it forever and keep it safe like you always did.  You were such a special person.  I wish you could have seen yourself the way everyone else did.  I love you SO very much and my world will be a very lonely place without my bff.  I wish you were here to hold me, talk to me, something.  My heart aches.  Angie tried to say that you wouldn't want all of us to be upset and crying about you.  I told her that was a bunch of bullshit because you would be pissed if we weren't all upset and crying because you are gone. 
I still feel like I am being crushed and I can't stop crying.  I wish you were here!!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Why Did You Have To Die

My best friend died yesterday.  I hurt so bad.  I feel like I am being crushed.  My head hurts. My body hurts.  The tears won't stop.  I don't know what to do right now.  So sad!  I am mad too!!  So mad!!  I would hit something if I wasn't too depressed.  I haven't ever had this kind of pain before.  I wish we would have stayed the night with her Saturday.  I don't know what to do.  I miss her so much.  Oh god, help me find the strength to deal.  I'm not doing very good today at all!!  I feel like if I don't keep busy, I will be crushed from the inside out.  She killed herself cuz her boyfriend died.  I am mad at her and I am SO mad at him for ruining one of the most beautiful people I have ever known.  I am sad because she isn't here any more.  I can't talk to her anymore.  I wish she was still here so I could talk to her again, hug her again.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

My First Official Plateau, I Think!!

So, I am fairly certain I have plateaued.  I have been sitting at 220 for weeks now.  I feel kind of lucky though since I haven't hit one yet and I have lost 60 pounds.  I know I have complained of it in the past but at further examination, I was just being lazy and not very diligent at all.  Maybe that is part of the case right now.  I know I haven't been making the best food choices at all times which is probably a culprit.  So now, I am being more diligent about what I shove in my piehole.  I also got a new video, a Biggest Loser one.  Yep, it kicked my ass but I am determined to make it my bitch!!!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Some Thoughts On Our Society

There is always some article or another picking on celeb's weight.  They are usually either being called anorexic or overweight when the celeb is neither.  The most recent one is Leanne Rimes and the media saying she is anorexic or bulimic.  I have seen pictures of her and in my honest opinion, she looks just fine. The media is also always picking on that Kardashian sister, Khloe, saying how she is overweight.  We all have seen pictures of her as well, some even in bikini's, and in my honest opinion, she looks just fine.   I don't know what size Ms. Rimes is, but Khloe has said that she is kind of big since she is a size 6.  I think they both look healthy. 

There are so many young girls running around out there ashamed of how they look.  For some of them, it is because they are 'too' skinny and for others it is because they are 'too' big.  And no matter who they are what they look like, there will always be critics.  It happens to boys too I guess because my 10 year old was called fat the other day.  He came home crying about it even, asking me how I lost all the weight because he didn't want to be fat.  This is the same child that says he doesn't eat much because he doesn't want to be fat like the rest of us.  He is nothing but knees and elbows.  I told him he didn't need to lose weight and that the kid that made fun of him was just being mean.  I told him he was the perfect size and not to worry about that other kid too much.  What is crazy is that this wasn't the first time he was called fat and he is probably the skinniest kid in his whole grade.  Even at this young age, children have figured out that being fat is not a good thing and that it is very mean to call someone fat. 

We as a society has put this pressure on ourselves about being thin and none of the pressure is for the right reasons.  It is all about vanity.  Now if that is what motivates you to get in shape and lose weight, then more power too you.  I just think that it would be great if the pressure came from more of a healthy point of view then a beautiful point of view.  I know that with the rise of diabetes, heart disease, and other health issues, that people are starting to put more of an emphasis on being healthy but we are still always being bombarded with the ideal that beautiful is the best reason.  I will admit that when I started to lose weight, it was mostly about how I looked.  Since I have dropped quite a few pounds though and I can feel the difference, my mindset is switching more to "I feel good and now I want to feel great."

I breathe better.  I sleep better.  I can move better.  I can keep up with the kids better.  I hurt less, a lot less. I feel more confident.  I just feel better, period.

Well, sorry of rambling, but these tabloids just really bother me when it comes to this issue.  Thank you for reading and get out there and move!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Perception & A Photo Update

I thought I would share this for everyone.  It is pretty funny I thought!







I finally did some pics today.  I have come a long way.  I had to do a different shirt though because I just swim in my Super shirt and you can't see how far I have come.  And the black shorts were so old, that they started to fall apart so I had to throw them away.

I got on the scale this morning and I am 221 pounds.  My BMI is 34.61.  I started out at 280 pounds (not when I started blogging but started losing weight) and a BMI of 43.85.  It has been a year now since I started this journey and I am totally proud of myself.  I haven't lost as much as I had wanted this last year but 60 pounds is still totally awesome.  Hopefully, I will lose another 60 over the next year. 

If anyone is reading this, thank you for still being here!

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Weighing in Lately

So I know that I am not a good blogger but I have become fairly good at losing weight.  My last post I weighed 248 and my plan was to get back on track but it didn't happen right away.  I had gone back up to 254 there for awhile.  I got on the scale today and now I weigh 226.  Yeah thats right, 226!!!  How totally AWESOME is that?  Of course I love my new body more and more with all the changes, as long as my clothes are on...lol.  I am so not digging my new birthday suit.  Everything is saggy.  I wondering if it will always be that way and only get worse with the more weight I lose.  My boobs have shrunk too...ugh.  Maybe I should start saving money so that one day I can get a whole body tuck and lift...lol.  It really sucks though that I have done this to my body all these years and now that I am working on it and getting thinner, it is really apparent that I have been totally trashing my body. 
 
Nowadays, the hubby is a little bit more on-board with being healthier.  Of course, he isn't totally into ALL of the changes, but at least he isn't giving me grief anymore about losing weight.  When I got my new job, we thought that I would be only working a few days a week and at first that is how it was.  The hubs talked to his boss and told him that he was going to have to quit or they would have to work around my schedule.  His boss didn't want him to quit, so they decided to work around my schedule.  I didn't realize that they were in a big rush to hire me when they hired me because one of the girls was pregnant.  She had her baby last month and since then I have been working 40 plus hours a week and the hubby hasn't been working much at all.  He has gained about 15 pounds and isn't too happy about it so he has started trying to eat better and has actually been cleaning around the house..yeah, I was totally shocked myself.  I think he is liking the confidence that I now have.

So that is what is going on with me.  I hope everyone gets out there and starts moving.  I have!!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

I Think I Am Back On The Wagon Again!

Ok, so I didn't totally fall off the wagon, I was just very loosely hanging onto the wagon, while being dragged behind it.  I wasn't even trying to run with the wagon, but just dangling from the back of it.  Now I feel I am back on the wagon.  I'm not necessarily all settled in and comfortable in said wagon, but I am on it, trying to find my footing.

We got a recumbent bike and I have been using that for about a week and a half now.  I have also found a strength training routine that I am following which includes a different group of muscles every day.  You can find it here if wish: Reach Your Ideal Weight in 4 Weeks.  Of course I am not fooled by the title and find it quite laughable really.  I don't have all the equipment involved for all of the exercises so I try to improvise (like a sturdy coffee works as a flat bench press).  I remember reading the title for the first time and thought to myself "I bet they don't mean that for people my size...lol."  I do think it is a good place to start though.

I am now employed by the United States Post Office which is pretty exciting.  I did a shadow day yesterday and next week I officially start the training.  I am a part-time Rural Carrier and will be filling in as needed.  I did a lot of work yesterday while I was shadowing and I was kind of regretting that the day before was my arm muscle day for strength training because I was sure getting sore.  It was AWESOME though.  I did get up and ride the bike and do my leg exercises before I went to work though.  I was so tired and sore last night and my whole body aches like crazy today, but it feels good to know that I am being active again.  This job will be totally different then when I was a CNA when it comes to food.  When you work in a hospital, someone is always bringing in something yummy like donuts or chocolates or cookies, and it is so hard to resist because it is always sitting there right under your nose.  With this job, even if there is food sitting around, I won't have time to eat it.  Also, I am only in the post office for a short amount of time and the rest of the day is spent out delivering mail so I will only have access to the food that I bring with me.  So, I plan on only bringing healthy, low calorie foods and lots of water.With that said, does anyone have any ideas?  I won't have a microwave to heat anything up and I also won't have a fridge to keep things cool.  All I will have is a lunch box.

I currently weigh 248 pounds.  See, I didn't totally fall off the wagon.  Since I am basically starting out again, I am going to make a very small goal for my weight loss for the next week.  I want to lose 2 pounds.  I know how it is when I first start out, and nothing happens for a few weeks at the beginning then it starts to come off.

I don't know how many seen the little thing about Khloe Kardashian the other day, but apparently everyone is on her case about being fat.  She says she is a size 6, yeah a 6 and she is being called fat.  I think that is absolutely insane.  I would be quite happy at a size 6, hell at this point I will be over the moon when I reach a size 12.  I think it is quite sad that a size 6 woman is called fat.  I think this woman in particular is kind of a brat, but I have never considered anyone of that size as a fat person.  It is no wonder so many people have these unhealthy relationships with food when we are told that a size 6 is fat.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Test this Morning

I am going in to take that test this morning.  I am SO nervous!!  I hope I do good, I really do!! 

Well I need to go shower and get the kids up.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Weighing in this week and I need everyone to send me some good mojo

I was going through another one of those narcoleptic type phases were I was falling asleep all the time.  After discussing it with my sister, we figured it was because I wasn't doing that much.  The weather has been unusually warm so I have been able to go out and get on the old Gazelle and go for a few walks, and amazingly, the first day I really moved, no bouts of extreme sleepiness.  I find it completely amazing that the body responds SO quickly to these changes.  Really amazing!!!

So I got on the scale yesterday morning and I was 244.  That is another 2 pounds down, so that is always exciting.  I have to say that I am really proud of myself for actually doing this.  It is an amazing feeling every time I get on the scale and see that I lose.  I think at this point, if I stepped on the scale and hadn't lost anything but still hadn't gained anything, I would still have that feeling of achievement since I had let my weight get so out of control for so long.  However, there are a few undesirable physical changes that I have to admit I find kind of gross.  34 pounds ago, I didn't feel so loose and flabby but had a more plump feeling.  Now, I have very loose skin that hangs and sags everywhere making me think that when I reach my goal, I will have to have a whole Spanx type wardrobe to contain the flabulosity of my new body.  I keep trying to push those thoughts out of my head because I am afraid those kinds of thoughts might cause me to self sabotage but they still creep in every now and then.  Maybe I can just wish for some type of TLC reality show and someone will 'donate' a body lift for me...lol. Yeah, I know, keep wishing, right?

Onto the good mojo!  I am applying for this awesome job with great pay and hours and benefits (eventually), and I want everyone to send me all their good wishes, prayers, good mojo, or whatever your belief system allows.  I will take all well wishes.  I have to take a test on Saturday morning which my grade on that can end up being the make me or break me event in this hiring process. Since I do live in Nevada where the unemployment is one of the highest in the nation, for every good job posted, there are literally thousands that apply to that one job.  Oh heck, any time there is a job posting of any kind, that happens.  There is some pretty stiff competition for jobs here so I need all the help I can get.  If I get this job, the money that I make alone from it will double our yearly income.  That is how great it is.  Another cool thing, it requires lots of moving and if you have read my blog for some time, you know how big I am on just being able to move and how good it is for the body.  So PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE send me all the love you can and hopefully I will get this job.  Of course I will keep everyone posted through the process. 

So I have not been able to get the Kinect game that I wanted due to lack of fundage.  They have ran out of work at my husbands job and he is again collecting unemployment for the next month or so.  I hate this time of year.  See, I need that job because then this would never again.  We all have been playing the adventure game more though.  The kids get a kick out of the pics it takes of me because it always seems to get a pic when I am jumping and my boobs are flying up around neck.  The kids starting laughing so hard, little turds...lol. 

Lots to do today, I will I check back later.  I hope everyone has a great day and gets to do that little extra moving around!!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Yes, I am still alive!

Okay, so I haven't been blogging, but I have been still losing.  I got really busy through the holidays and was feeling wiped of creativity and didn't blog.  I am proud to announce that I weigh 246 pounds though.  That is a total lose of 32 pounds for me.  I am patting myself on my back right now.  That is a BMI of  38.5 for those keeping track of numbers, because numbers are important to me. That also bumps me out of the morbidly obese range which is VERY exciting to me.  I am now only obese.  The overweight range is still really far away so that will be a long term goal at this point and I am not going to be focusing much on that until I get closer to the 200 mark.

I am unable to use my Gazelle at this point.  It is in the garage and it is getting way to cold at night.  I can't get the arms to swing well enough to be a good workout.  I have been trying to stay busy with cleaning and what not though.  I did get really sick after Christmas with an allergy of some sort.  I haven't been able to pinpoint what it is exactly that I am allergic to but I have been able to narrow it down a bit.  I have noticed that the itching seems to get worse when the heater is on.  It was time for the filter to be changed and it was also a brand that we had not used before.  We have changed the filter and things seem to be getting better. I don't know if this will continue to be a problem or not, but I hope so.  I was so miserable for a while there.  My hands swelled up so bad that I couldn't use them.  My feet hurt to walk on them.  I was so itchy, painfully itchy and was getting big welts that would bruise, but it seems to be getting better.  I am taking allergy pills for the first time in my life on a daily basis or else all the itching starts again.  So anyways, now the house is a complete disaster since I wasn't feeling well and couldn't use my hands.  Everyone tried to keep up with the cleaning, but I guess that even if combine the husband, my mom, and the kids together it does not equal me.  All of them together could not do the job that one of me does.  I do appreciate everyone trying to come together while I was sick though and they did do a wonderful job considering they were all working out of their scope of practice...lol. 

So the current plan is this, we bought the kids an Xbox and a Kinect for Christmas and I am going to buy one of those Kinect work out games this month.  I think I have decided I want the EA Active 2.  My sister has been using the Biggest Loser one and says she gets a really good workout with it but at EA Active 2 comes with really good reviews too and it has a heart monitor that feeds information to the machine.  So, I want to buy that game instead of the Biggest loser one, but maybe I will just eventually get both.  Also, the weather will be warming up here soon and I will start taking walks with the little ones again.  It is just too cold for me to feel comfortable with having the baby outside for a long time.

Oh and speaking of the baby, we celebrated her 1st birthday last month.  She was so cute with the cake.  She apparently thought it was too good to smear all over herself and ate it instead.  So I don't have any cute pictures of her with cake smeared on her face.  She even got really mad when I took the plate away.  I was like oh boy, we are going to have to really limit the sweets with her because she seemed hopelessly hooked to that sugar right away.  She does love her veggies too though.  She is also walked, EVERYWHERE!  She falls down, a lot, but gets right back up and walks until she drops again.  I can't wait for warmer weather because she is going to love going out there and running.


Well, as I mentioned earlier, the house is a MESS and I need to get busy cleaning it since I am feeling normal again.  I will be posting more though, I promise.  I got a laptop for Christmas and it will be easier to use the computer since I can have it in any room now (and easier to use now that my hands aren't swollen..lol).  I also plan on doing pictures again here soon.  The plan is when I reach 240, I will post up more pictures and then I think I will do pictures every 20 pounds.  Thanks everyone for stopping by in my absence and worrying.  Sorry about that too.