Saturday, November 13, 2010

Empowerment

I really didn't want to do it.  My heart wasn't in it.  I went out to the garage and sat in a chair for a few moments staring at the Gazelle, trying to talk myself out of doing it or into doing it, I am not quite for sure really, but all those thoughts were there.  I then got up and turned on my angry music and climbed on to the Gazelle.  I had drug my ass that far, I figured I could at least if it a try.  My ass was dragging too, I am pretty it was actually still asleep in the bed when I got on that Gazelle.  I started moving.  I figured I would do 20 minutes, that would be a good start to getting motivated again.  I figured it was something and something is better then nothing.  I then just concentrated on my angry music, I mean after all, I have been angry over the last few days.  I just really got into the music, the words.  I let all the anger inside of me really boil up to the surface.  I started thinking, cussing.  I decided "Fuck those assholes!!!"  I wasn't the one that did anything wrong and I shouldn't be the one to feel like shit.  I didn't create the mess, they did.  I was consumed by my own thoughts and my own anger.  The next thing you know I was looking down at the time, and I had been at it for 25 minutes and I didn't even feel like stopping yet.  I get going for another 15 minutes, channeling that anger I had been feeling over the last few days. 

I have a few friends who have had bad things happen to them to and they don't do this or that thing because of fear.  I always tell them that need to conquer their fear and once they conquer their fear, then they take back control of their life and no one has power over them anymore.  That they get to take that power away from those that have done the terrible things to them.  That is what I have to do, again.  I didn't realize that I still had scabs for someone to pull off and reopen old wounds.  I thought that they were all just scars now.  Maybe those scabs don't always heal all the way.  Maybe they will always be there, I don't know.  I do know that just because those scabs might get pulled off from time to time and but that it isn't the same thing as the reason those scabs are there in the first place. Sure, the pain might be very similar, but it is not exactly the same.

4 comments:

  1. Angry workouts can only be topped by angry sex! Sorry, that's how hubby and I roll, haha! I don't know what you went through, but I do understand the emotions. I had my sense of security and innocence taken in my early teens, and it hindered me greatly interacting with others for years. It took SO long, but eventually, I realized the best "fuck you" was to not let it hold me back. I hope you can find that same peace soon. Sending you hugs!

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  2. What a productive way to deal with all that intense emotion. You took that negative feeling and turned it into something positive. You're awesome!

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  3. Good for you! Now tell me what the angry music is. I think I need it!

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  4. Awesome job turning angrypissedoffhurtfrustrated into Iamstrongpowerfulandincontrol!!!

    WooHoo!!

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