Thursday, November 25, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

I just wanted to stop by real quick to say Happy Thanksgiving and I hope everyone has a great holiday!!!

I got on the scale on Tuesday and I lost another 3 pounds bringing my weight down to 257!!!  So very cool!!!  SO for Thanksgiving I am thankful that I am losing weight and I am most thankful for having a great family and have the opportunity to spend this holiday with my family!!!

I really do hope everyone has a great day.  For those of you really stressing out about all the food and whatnot, try to remember it is only one day.  Try to stay on track, but if you fall off, just get up, dust yourself off and try again.  I also look at it this way, you need to eat over 3000 calories to gain one pound, so to gain more then that in just one day would be a very difficult task.  Remember to drink plenty of water though because many Thanksgiving dishes tend to be very high in salt and you will need that extra water to combat all that

Have a great day and Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Yicks...I Got On the Scale

I didn't get on the scale yesterday morning like I normally do on Monday mornings.  I figured what was the point.  I had hardly exercised and I know I didn't even come close to eating right.  I didn't lose anything last week.  I was kind of afraid to know what the scale would read really.  Then this morning I just couldn't handle not knowing and got on the scale.  I lost 2 pounds...OMG...WOW.  I couldn't believe it!!  I was in totally shock.  I had thought that I had been doing horrible and had probably gained like 10 pounds or something.  What a relief though!!  One less thing for me to worry about, thankfully!!  So now I am 260!!!  My BMI is now 40.7!!  I started at 43.5.  I also have to add that after I lose another 5 pounds, I am no longer considered morbidly obese!!  I will then just be obese.  I am hoping that in the next 2-3 weeks I will hit that goal and I am very excited about it.

Thank you everyone for showing such support.  I know I didn't go into detail about everything that was upsetting me, but it is of such a personal and private nature, that I don't want to put it out there for just anyone to read.  I know that most people would treat that information with respect, but I have been around long enough to realize that there are mean, hurtful trolls in the world.  Just know that I wasn't whining whining over something small like a paper cut or anything, but that it involved a very tough subject for many women in the world.  Anyways, thank you very much!!!

Well, I getting sleepy and I think trying to fall asleep here on the computer, so I am going to stop for now.  I have somethings I learned that I want to write about, but maybe tomorrow.

Saturday, November 13, 2010


I really didn't want to do it.  My heart wasn't in it.  I went out to the garage and sat in a chair for a few moments staring at the Gazelle, trying to talk myself out of doing it or into doing it, I am not quite for sure really, but all those thoughts were there.  I then got up and turned on my angry music and climbed on to the Gazelle.  I had drug my ass that far, I figured I could at least if it a try.  My ass was dragging too, I am pretty it was actually still asleep in the bed when I got on that Gazelle.  I started moving.  I figured I would do 20 minutes, that would be a good start to getting motivated again.  I figured it was something and something is better then nothing.  I then just concentrated on my angry music, I mean after all, I have been angry over the last few days.  I just really got into the music, the words.  I let all the anger inside of me really boil up to the surface.  I started thinking, cussing.  I decided "Fuck those assholes!!!"  I wasn't the one that did anything wrong and I shouldn't be the one to feel like shit.  I didn't create the mess, they did.  I was consumed by my own thoughts and my own anger.  The next thing you know I was looking down at the time, and I had been at it for 25 minutes and I didn't even feel like stopping yet.  I get going for another 15 minutes, channeling that anger I had been feeling over the last few days. 

I have a few friends who have had bad things happen to them to and they don't do this or that thing because of fear.  I always tell them that need to conquer their fear and once they conquer their fear, then they take back control of their life and no one has power over them anymore.  That they get to take that power away from those that have done the terrible things to them.  That is what I have to do, again.  I didn't realize that I still had scabs for someone to pull off and reopen old wounds.  I thought that they were all just scars now.  Maybe those scabs don't always heal all the way.  Maybe they will always be there, I don't know.  I do know that just because those scabs might get pulled off from time to time and but that it isn't the same thing as the reason those scabs are there in the first place. Sure, the pain might be very similar, but it is not exactly the same.

Friday, November 12, 2010

I Am Falling Off Track

I have had a horrible week.  The last time I worked out was Tuesday.  I had to fly to Denver on Wednesday and back home all in the same day.  I had to go testify on a case that involved subjects that has brought up emotions surrounding things, terrible things, that happened to me in the past.  I was sitting up there on the witness stand, testifying, and was totally blindsided by memories and emotions that I thought I had dealt with a long time ago.  The DA was really rough on me to top it all off and I left feeling horrible and like an emotional basket case. I didn't expect any of this emotional baggage to be effecting me like it is and I feel out of sorts because of it.  The good thing is, I haven't gained anything, I haven't lost anything either, but at least I haven't gained.  Everyone is sick and with the clocks getting set back, they all woke up early today so I didn't get a chance to go work out.  The plan is too do it when the kids get home from school, then hopefully the baby will be asleep and they can help with my 3 year old.  To be completely honest though, all I want to do is get in bed, curl up in a ball, and cry.  I also know that I can't do that.  If I give into it, I will end up in a depression and then to get moving again might end up impossibly hard to do.  I also know that I will probably feel better after I work out and get moving.  However, right now, my heart isn't in it.  I am trying to deal with this crap in my own way, but I feel kind of like I am falling to pieces, drowning, losing my footing.  I really didn't expect all this to come bubbling up like it has.

Friday, November 5, 2010

I was tagged, some rants and raves, and the Presidental Physical Fitness Test

I have been tagged at Girly Girl: Losing the Gut.  We have the same  I am not quite as savy about this blogging thing as so many of you are and when created mine, I could only get like 5 options on the layout so I picked the pinkish one.  Anyway, being tagged, I am suppose to answer 4 questions and then ask 4 new ones and tag 4 other bloggers.

1.  What is your favorite thing about the holiday season?  My favorite thing about the holiday season is family.  For Thanksgiving, there usually ends up being 30+ of us at my grandma's house and I love it!!  

2. What is your top 5 favorite artists of all time? I believe art comes in many different forms so some of you might not agree that all of these are artists.  1) My grandma, she is a painter. 2) Ansel Adams, I love black and white photography. 3) Robert Frost, I also like poetry and he wrote one of most favorite poems, "Nothing Gold Can Stay."  4) Janis Joplin, she just sings right to my heart and soul.  5) My dad, he draws, builds and paints motorcycles, he is a machinist, a great thinker, and a wonderful problem solver.

3.  Who are the inspirations in your life?  I hope you all have time because I have a lot.  My mom, my dad, my sister Jennifer, my brother Jason, all 4 of my children, and Mother Teresa. I have many, many others because life is tough and I always find myself drawing inspirations from everywhere and everyone.  My biggest inspiration right now is my 10 month old daughter because at just a few hours old she fought for her life and won.  She still has that same strength and determination with everything she does and I am completely 100% amazed by her!!

4. What is one thing you wish you would have known when you were younger?  This is a hard question to answer for someone who tries to live with no regrets.  I live with no regrets because no matter the situation or the mess, there is always something to learn from everything and everything we experience in life creates who we are.  I do wish I would have known sooner that I was bipolar.  If I would have known that then maybe I could have started to deal with it sooner and I wouldn't have felt so crappy all the time.

My 4 questions (Warning: Not quite so serious)

1.  If you had to, what relative would you lock up in the shed and why?

2.  If you were a stripper, what would your stripper name be?

3.  If you were to perform in the circus, what would you do?

4.  What is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you?

Tag...your it!!!

How I am Losing It

Hating The Bathroom Scale 

In Pursuit

Life at 33% 

And if anyone else wants to answer these, leave me something in the comment section.  I would really love to hear everyone's not so serious answers!

I also wanted to thank everyone who stopped by and offered encouragement about my pizza mess.  I am over it today.  I ate well all day yesterday, did 50 minutes on the Gazelle and also took a 2 mile walk with the kids(they wanted to walk to the store).  It was a valuable lesson for me though.  In the past, I would have just blown it off as no biggie, but I can't always do that because that kind of attitude is what causes me to slip back into old habits. 
 I hate always telling people that I am not on a diet. My husband says that all the time, "What about your diet?" and I have to tell him that I am not on any special diet.  I am just not under some illusion that I can temporaily change my eating habits to lose weight and then when I have lost the weight, go back to eating the way I did.  I know that I have to make total lifestyle changes.  I need to change the way I think, the way I eat, the way I see food, the way I move.  There are so many things that need to change to make this happen.  There is no special diet, no special pill, no special powdery drink, no special book, no special program, no special plan, no quick fix.  Actually, there is a plan and it is a very easy concept: eat less, move more.  Of course I know that there is more to it then that, that a whole lot of different things play into it.  I am learning to eat better which for me is a lot of portion control because if you eat 3000 calories worth of lettuce(I don't think that is actually possible, but still), you have still have a 3000 calories.

I knew this one girl who was trying to get approved for a lapband and the doctor wanted her to do one of those meal plans like Medifast or Nutrisystem.  I am not sure which one it was but I know that they sent her pre-packaged, portion controlled food.  She would eat 2 of the meals at once and expected to see results.  Of there are those that do the Slim-fast thing, and eat a full breakfast with their shake because the shake wasn't satisfying or filling enough.  Too much is still too much even if you are having these kinds of things.

Then there are those that are following these programs religiously and complaining the whole time about how awful everything tastes.  I always want to ask them "Then why do it?"  The way I look at it is if you are doing something that you don't enjoy at all, then your chances of following through are much smaller.  And even if they do stick with it all the way through and lose their weight, they still need to learn how to prepare healthy food themselves somewhere along the way, or they will forever have to eat these meals that they hate or the weight will just come back.  For instance, a lot of people follow that Atkins diet or that South Beach Diet, have to maintain a very low carb diet for the rest of their life if they want to keep the weight off.  I know a lot of people that followed those plans and when they got to their goal weight, they started eating carbs again, not overeating but eating more then the plan had allowed and really put the weight back on.

I am not saying that any of those plans are bad or that people shouldn't do them, but that whatever you plan to do, you need to make a lifelong commitment to that program or plan.  Also, to realize that when you do reach your goal weight, you still can't go back to eating 4 pieces of pizza or half a chocolate cake or a bag of potato chips.  I have seen so many close to me that do that and end up putting on more weight then they were before.  Hell, I have done that too.  I have lost weight in the past and then just fell back into old habits and at one point I was 298!  That was a few years ago but I think if I hadn't started changing when I did, I would have ended up back at that weight.

I think that you need to being enjoying yourself to succeed.  If it is a drag, you probably won't stick with anything. I wanted to start this and find new ways to cook and prepare foods that I enjoy and to find foods that I never knew I liked that are all healthy.   I don't really like things like french fries or mac and cheese, not that I won't eat them, but I can't say I ever crave these things.  My biggest problem is if it tastes good, I want more.  Like I said earlier though, 3000 calories is still 3000 calories even if the source is healthy.

Anyways, everyone finds what works for them to lose weight.  But my biggest advice for anyone, is that if truly aren't loving your food plan or shakes or whatever, find something that you will enjoy that still gets the job done.

Oh yeah and one more thing.  In May, my 2 older boys are going to be testing for the Presidental Physical Fitness Test.  I told them that we all will train for it so that they can win a Presidental Physical Fitness Award.  I am excited about this because it means I can get the kids more active and for them to have something to work towards.  But does anyone have any ideas how I should do this.  Should I just pick one activity a day to work on or a do a little of everything?  I don't know, so if you have any suggestions or ideas about how you would go about to do it, I would greatly appreciate it.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Sloth, Glunteny, and A Whole Lot of Cussing

Yesterday, I was having such a good day with eating.  My breakfast was a 2 egg omelet with spinach, tomatoes, and salsa(no cheese) with a slice of whole wheat toast.  I had a plum for a snack. Then for lunch, I made a tuna sandwich and had a spinach salad with italian dressing and some dried cranberries.  I was busy cleaning in the afternoon and didn't eat a snack.  Then it came time for dinner.  I realized that what I had planned for dinner would not be feasible and the husband decided to order pizza instead of getting the 2 items I needed for dinner.  This is where the problems started.  He ordered a large veggie gourmet and a large chicken & garlic gourmet.  I told myself I would only eat 2 pieces, one of each and that would be it.  So I then ate 4 pieces of pizza.  I knew I over ate and I tried to justify with fat girl sayings like "Well it was a veggie pizza" or "I had a good day otherwise."  Then I decided to look up the calories...OMFG...1000 calories total.  Yeah, 1000 calories in one meal.  I was then pissed at myself and on top of that, my tummy started to hurt because I had just gorged myself on a bunch of crap that I haven't been eating.  I don't have a gallbladder and if I am eating healthy for awhile, when I go and eat a bunch of high fat foods, it gives me terrible intestinal cramps.  Those intestinal cramps make my uterus cramp, and then all of it makes my back spasm and I am just in pain.  I know this happens and yet I still did it to myself.  Fucking stupid!!  I know it was just one meal and all that blah, blah, blah, but does anyone ever tell an alcoholic it was just one drink?  No, they don't because falling off the wagon even a little could cause you to totally fall off and we all know how hard it is to get yourself up after you totally fall off.  This is exactly why they have 12 step programs for over eaters, because it is like an addiction.  We do these things to ourselves and the whole time we are justifying it to ourselves in insane, unhealthy ways.  I know I am only human and can falter from time to time, but I don't want to.  I don't think I have ever been so mad at myself over food in my entire life.  I felt like a big slug all night too.  I woke up SO mad at myself that I really pushed it on the Gazelle this morning, cussing myself out the whole time.  1000 calories!!!!!!!  Now on the bright side of things, the rest of day was pretty stellar and I with my big screw up, I didn't go over my BMR amount of calories but I still had more then I had wanted to, and way more then what is necessary.  Ask me if I was still hungry when I was reaching for those 3rd and 4th pieces of pizza?  Go ahead and ask and I will tell you I wasn't.  It tasted good so I wanted more.  That is what it boils down too.  When I could have just had the 2 pieces or maybe even 1 pieces and then maybe had a piece for lunch today, but no!!  I had just had to keep shoving the shit in my big ol'piehole!!     

I know some might be thinking that I am being too hard on myself, but this is how I will keep from doing it over and over again.   I have to be hard on myself.  If I just blow it off like it is not a big deal, then I will start doing it every day.  I could also hide my bad day from everyone and not talk about it all, but that also will not be good.  I don't want to be a closet eater either.  Besides, I have been too easy on myself for a few years. 
If you think this is bad, you should have been in my head this morning when I was working out.  

So to get back on track, I took some pictures.

Sept, 28, Oct. 13, today.  I took the pics right after my my shirt was still wet from sweating.  I call that my sweat-o-meter.  There isn't a BIG difference from last time but I see a small difference but when compared to the first one, I see a big difference. This has motivated to me (well and gut cramps have played a part as well) to keep doing better and to stay away from the pizza.  I think if I want pizza again, I will just make it myself.  That has to be healthier since I won't be coating the pan with enough oil to cause the crust to be like fry bread.

So there it all is, all out on the table.  Today has been pretty good so far and I am going to keep it that way.  Luckily, almost all the good candy is gone from the trick or treat buckets, so it isn't such a temptation anymore.  What I mean by good candy is the chocolate of course.

Always be diligent!!!!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Starving after a workout?

I recently read this article and it said that for a lot of people, going to the gym and having a good workout is one of the reasons they aren't losing weight.  Sounds crazy right?  Well it said that is what happens is people go workout really hard, get done and are hungry.  They say to themselves "I just worked  out and so I deserve to treat myself."  So they go overboard on the calories.  Lets say they burned 400 calories during their workout and then stop at a juice bar type place and they will get a large smoothie of some sort that can have 500 or more calories.  And they said that people will do this on top of what they are eating, like an extra.  So then, they completely cancel out their workout and even get a few extra calories.

Do you do this?  I know I always feel starving after a really good work out.  What I have do is workout first thing in the morning (after some coffee of course) then when I am done with my workout, eat breakfast.  My breakfast usually consists of some sort of whole grain and some form of protein, like oatmeal and a hardboiled egg or a small omelet(without cheese) and a piece of whole weight toast.  They also make some yogurt with extra protein and they also have an oatmeal with added protein.  The protein helps to feel full for longer and when it is mixed with a whole grain, it even packs a bigger punch. Breakfast this morning is a 2 eggs omelet with spinach, tomatoes, salsa and a piece of whole grain toast. which comes in at about 250 calories and I will not get hungry until about lunchtime.

So make sure you aren't overeating just because you worked out.  Calories are calories, whether you worked out or not.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Monday Weigh In

I got on the scale this morning as I always do on Monday mornings and I lost another 2 pounds.  HECK YEAH!!!  I feel SO good that I am actually do this.  I am now down to 262. Only 127 more to go!

So since it is November 1, the beginning of a new month, I am going to make a new monthly goal.  I want to be down to 252 by the end of the month.  I had made 250 my goal weight for the end of October and I now know that dropping that many pounds in a month might be a bit far fetched, so I am only aiming for 10 pounds for the month of November, especially with the holidays coming and all.  I do have a plan for Thanksgiving though.  I am going to eat one plate of food and not eat until feel so stuffed that it is painful.  I am going to my grandparents and we all do a potluck of sorts.  There is always turkey, ham, mashed potatoes and gravy, veggies, fruit salad, rolls, pies, and more.  I decided that I am not making the yams this year.  I don't eat them anyways so I am going to brings a raspberry-cranberry spinach salad.  I always bring the pumpkin pie and I will still bring that.  I am also going to bring a pumpkin bundt cake.  I plan on having a lot of the salad, some turkey and ham, and whatever other veggies are there(depending on how they are prepared really, but that is why I am bringing the salad, so I know that I will have something healthy to eat).  I am not going to try to count my calories that day but to try to listen to my body.  Just because it is holiday, it doesn't mean I have to gorge myself and spend the day as stuffed as the turkey.  Of course, with the calories, I automatically start calculating them in my head these days so I say I am not going to worry about them, but I will be. 

The only thing I have at my advantage for the holiday season is that I no longer work.  When I worked at the hospital, there was always goodies all the time during the holidays just begging to be shoved in someone's big ol' piehole. I always thought that the irony of the goodies was that a lot of them came from the various doctor's offices and doctors should be promoting good health.  They should send fruit and veggie trays minus the fattening dressings and dips.  Maybe even some Subway or something other then cookies, cakes, and candies.  Then there was the patient families and coworkers, always someone bringing in the "bad" stuff.  I have a lot more control over my environment now though that I am not working.

Speaking of goodies, is it bad that I want the kids to hurry up and eat all their Halloween candy so that it isn't sitting here beckoning me to eat it?