Saturday, October 9, 2010

Hmmm...I Don't Know

I think the counters on my Gazelle are kind of screwy.  Whenever I am really moving on the thing, it says I am going like 1.3 mph then when I slow down it says I am going like 3.8  mph.  Also, I was reaching my 20 minute mark and was like at 1.02 miles and I was really disappointed in myself cuz I felt like I was really pushing this morning.  So I go the cool down 5 minutes and at the end it says I went a total of 1.48 miles.  WTF!!  Really?  So according to the counters, it took me 20 minutes to go a mile when I was really moving, and then when I slowed down (a lot too by the way) I went almost 1/2 mile in 5 minutes.  It is like it needs time to catch up to me...lol.  I can also smell the rubber bands getting warm, that hot rubber smell.  I almost think that when I  look down, I will see smoke coming from the things.  So I have concluded I am too much of a badass for the Gazelle, because it can't keep up with me.  I also think I have made it my prison biotch.  Yes, that is right Gazelle, I OWN YOU!!!  I guess though, all that matters is I get my heart rate up and keep moving no matter what the counters tell me. However, there is something about having those stats that makes ya feel like you are really getting things done.





I was up early today, before everyone else.  I took this beautiful photo of the the sunrise.  Sunrises to me bring a feeling of new beginnings and are a great way to start a day.  I never knew that until the last month or so since I have been waking up early.  I never knew  I like waking up early everyday either.  I feel more positive then if I wake up later when everyone else is waking up, when it feels like the world is moving at warp speed and I have a hard time catching up.  Waking up early means that everyone else has to catch up to me.

Pain

I am in pain everyday of my life.  I know I keep saying this but today I really hurt.  I keep pushing through the pain and the pain drives me most days.  Plus, if I slow down, it hurts that much more.  My back always feels like I have needles digging into the bones, and I know what it feels like to actually have real needles digging into the vertebrae of your back. 

When I first starting the doctor after my accident, I had several procedures done to try to help with the pain and none worked, so I had the spinal fusion and felt great in my neck.  Shortly after having the fusion, I got pregnant with my 3rd son.  After having him is when the lower back really started to hurt.  I get sciatica pain down my right side and I get this electric shock feeling in the front of my left thigh.  I tell the doctors that and they try to describe it like I am getting a pinching feeling in my thigh or something.  I have told them "No, it feels like someone puts a taser on a low setting and literally zaps my thigh."  That feeling hasn't been happening so much anymore, thankfully. 

Well, anyways, I went back to the doctor after having my son.  I went to the same doctor that did my spinal fusion.  I remember being in the exam room talking to him and him telling me that there wasn't a doctor in their right mind that would do surgery on my lower back because I was fat.  He didn't use overweight or too big, he said fat.  Now, I already knew this and I accepted it.  He then told me that I needed to go see the bariatric doctors and have a gastric bypass done.  Okay, this was after I had gained a lot of weight and then lost the weight that I had gained and then some.  I was totally floored!!  I had lost like 40 pounds all on my own and was still losing.  If I hadn't been working so hard in the first place, I would totally have agreed with him.  That was the last time that I really tried to lose weight, like 3 years ago.  I have since put back on all that weight that I had lost and then some.  I used my back pain as an excuse to do nothing for 3 years.  I got really depressed after that because I figured I was doing all that hard work for nothing, that no matter what I do, I will always be fat unless I have some surgery to "cure" it.  I am not saying that I am against the bypasses or the lapbands or anything, but that they are not right for me.  I have always felt that I wanted to lose it on my own to have that sense of accomplishment.  I sit here this morning and I can't believe I let that doctor allow me to derail myself.  It isn't his fault, he was just saying that it was unhealthy for me to maintain my current weight, of course he was a jerk about it.  His final words to me that day were "You are always going to be in pain.  You need to buck up, take your big girl pill, and deal with it because I can't help you.  I am tired of all you people coming to me telling me you want me to fix you when you do nothing for yourselves."  I cried all day that day.  I felt like a loser and that I was always going to be a loser no matter what I did.  I think he must have been having a bad day or something because he was always nice before that.  I later found out from some of the other doctors (I worked in a hospital at the time on an orthopedic floor) that he had been going through a divorce and she was really trying to stick it to him, so maybe that is what is was.  I don't know, but I am done with my pity party that has lasted over 3 years.

Well, everyone is awake now and they all want my attention...lol.  Maybe I will just go on a big walk with everyone today to wear them all out...lol.

3 comments:

  1. Definitely enjoy your walk. So good and refreshing to get mentally and emotionally recharged. I always love the sense of accomplishment afterward. I can't believe your dr. say you should have gastric bypass surgery. Well done on losing 40lbs all on your own! I can relate to the back pain. Excruciating pain through all of my pregnancies and afterward. My mom always did sit-ups right before bed and said it helped her increase muscle in the sore areas of her back. I have yet to try it lol

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm so proud of you for doing this on your own without the surgery!! I have nothing against it either, but I have an aunt with a lapband, and a friend that had the bypass done. Both did lose a little weight right afterwards, and then it stopped. Why? Because neither of them changed their thought process in regards to food and exercise. The surgery can help, but you still have to do the work. Both of them drastically changed the way their bodies, and then they learned how to manipulate them. They still eat the same foods, just less at a time and space it out so they won't get sick. I think too many doctors offer it as a quick-fix without really explaining to their patients that a lot of work is still required.

    Congratulations for doing this on your own!! It may take longer and be a lot harder, but it will be worth it in the end!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I understand the doctor's frustration; a lot of people do want to be fixed without having to do anything themselves. Luckily you are no longer in that mindset. So proud of you! Don't remember the last time I heard of you being so active!

    ReplyDelete