Don't Know Where to Start

The last few months have been terrible without my best friend.  I currently feel stuck in stasis both physically and mentally and the worst part is, I don't seem to care that much.  Everyone else does though and keeps pointing it all out to me.  I spend too much time inside of my own head these days and I cry at least once a day, but more often then that on most days.  I tried to "fake it until I made it" for awhile, but ended up just saying screwing it, I don't care if I am not as happy as I once was.  I shouldn't have to fake anything for anyone and really it was all just really exhausting to be something I was so far from feeling.  Now, I am just a drag and angry all the time.  I am trying not to be so angry outwardly, but it doesn't always work.  Oh, the anger I feel is bad.  I never thought I would be like this after losing someone.  I figured I would just bounce back fairly quickly instead of being this anger, crying, crazy woman I have turned into.  I say things that worry people all the time, but I am more cynical then anything else.  I guess I come off as suicidal on times but I am so far from even thinking about suicide, that I actually find it laughable that someone would think that I am.  Of course those that are the closest to me know not to worry about it and that I have always had some what of a dark sense of humor. 

I don't remember what my last weight was when I last posted it.  I know that I have lost some since then.  I now am at 210.  I seem to be losing like a couple of pounds a month.  I am not really sure how or wow though.  I haven't really cared what I have been shoving in my big ol' piehole.  I have days when I eat nothing but crap all day long.  I am so far off the wagon that it isn't even funny. 

I want to start getting serious again though, channel all of my anger and frustrations into losing weight.  I just don't know how to get started again and I don't have much drive either.  I want to, but I just don't feel like it just yet.  Have you ever been so sad that your body hurt?  That is where I am.  I know that if I just started again, I would feel better.  But how?  I feel so lost!!

Still Sad

I feel so lost and still hurt so bad.  Everyone is getting worried so I am faking like I feel better but I don't.  I keep having these axiety attacks.  I feel like I am being crushed.  I don't know what I am going to do without my best friend. Normally when I would feel like this, I would call her, but I can't now.  She is the only one that totally understood me.  I know that many people accept me for me but she understood me.  I don't have that now and feel so lost.  I have no one to understand me anymore.  I feel terrible in my own skin right now.  I am very, very sad and heartbroken.

I Miss You So Much

It has been 2 days and I miss you more then ever.  This is the longest I have gone without talking to you in a long time.  I still don't understand, probably never will.  Ed gave me your ceramic mask.  I know how much it meant to.  I will cherish it forever and keep it safe like you always did.  You were such a special person.  I wish you could have seen yourself the way everyone else did.  I love you SO very much and my world will be a very lonely place without my bff.  I wish you were here to hold me, talk to me, something.  My heart aches.  Angie tried to say that you wouldn't want all of us to be upset and crying about you.  I told her that was a bunch of bullshit because you would be pissed if we weren't all upset and crying because you are gone. 
I still feel like I am being crushed and I can't stop crying.  I wish you were here!!

Why Did You Have To Die

My best friend died yesterday.  I hurt so bad.  I feel like I am being crushed.  My head hurts. My body hurts.  The tears won't stop.  I don't know what to do right now.  So sad!  I am mad too!!  So mad!!  I would hit something if I wasn't too depressed.  I haven't ever had this kind of pain before.  I wish we would have stayed the night with her Saturday.  I don't know what to do.  I miss her so much.  Oh god, help me find the strength to deal.  I'm not doing very good today at all!!  I feel like if I don't keep busy, I will be crushed from the inside out.  She killed herself cuz her boyfriend died.  I am mad at her and I am SO mad at him for ruining one of the most beautiful people I have ever known.  I am sad because she isn't here any more.  I can't talk to her anymore.  I wish she was still here so I could talk to her again, hug her again.

My First Official Plateau, I Think!!

So, I am fairly certain I have plateaued.  I have been sitting at 220 for weeks now.  I feel kind of lucky though since I haven't hit one yet and I have lost 60 pounds.  I know I have complained of it in the past but at further examination, I was just being lazy and not very diligent at all.  Maybe that is part of the case right now.  I know I haven't been making the best food choices at all times which is probably a culprit.  So now, I am being more diligent about what I shove in my piehole.  I also got a new video, a Biggest Loser one.  Yep, it kicked my ass but I am determined to make it my bitch!!!

Some Thoughts On Our Society

There is always some article or another picking on celeb's weight.  They are usually either being called anorexic or overweight when the celeb is neither.  The most recent one is Leanne Rimes and the media saying she is anorexic or bulimic.  I have seen pictures of her and in my honest opinion, she looks just fine. The media is also always picking on that Kardashian sister, Khloe, saying how she is overweight.  We all have seen pictures of her as well, some even in bikini's, and in my honest opinion, she looks just fine.   I don't know what size Ms. Rimes is, but Khloe has said that she is kind of big since she is a size 6.  I think they both look healthy. 

There are so many young girls running around out there ashamed of how they look.  For some of them, it is because they are 'too' skinny and for others it is because they are 'too' big.  And no matter who they are what they look like, there will always be critics.  It happens to boys too I guess because my 10 year old was called fat the other day.  He came home crying about it even, asking me how I lost all the weight because he didn't want to be fat.  This is the same child that says he doesn't eat much because he doesn't want to be fat like the rest of us.  He is nothing but knees and elbows.  I told him he didn't need to lose weight and that the kid that made fun of him was just being mean.  I told him he was the perfect size and not to worry about that other kid too much.  What is crazy is that this wasn't the first time he was called fat and he is probably the skinniest kid in his whole grade.  Even at this young age, children have figured out that being fat is not a good thing and that it is very mean to call someone fat. 

We as a society has put this pressure on ourselves about being thin and none of the pressure is for the right reasons.  It is all about vanity.  Now if that is what motivates you to get in shape and lose weight, then more power too you.  I just think that it would be great if the pressure came from more of a healthy point of view then a beautiful point of view.  I know that with the rise of diabetes, heart disease, and other health issues, that people are starting to put more of an emphasis on being healthy but we are still always being bombarded with the ideal that beautiful is the best reason.  I will admit that when I started to lose weight, it was mostly about how I looked.  Since I have dropped quite a few pounds though and I can feel the difference, my mindset is switching more to "I feel good and now I want to feel great."

I breathe better.  I sleep better.  I can move better.  I can keep up with the kids better.  I hurt less, a lot less. I feel more confident.  I just feel better, period.

Well, sorry of rambling, but these tabloids just really bother me when it comes to this issue.  Thank you for reading and get out there and move!

Perception & A Photo Update

I thought I would share this for everyone.  It is pretty funny I thought!

I finally did some pics today.  I have come a long way.  I had to do a different shirt though because I just swim in my Super shirt and you can't see how far I have come.  And the black shorts were so old, that they started to fall apart so I had to throw them away.

I got on the scale this morning and I am 221 pounds.  My BMI is 34.61.  I started out at 280 pounds (not when I started blogging but started losing weight) and a BMI of 43.85.  It has been a year now since I started this journey and I am totally proud of myself.  I haven't lost as much as I had wanted this last year but 60 pounds is still totally awesome.  Hopefully, I will lose another 60 over the next year. 

If anyone is reading this, thank you for still being here!